suricattus

And now, having allowed myself to get worked up and let down in a relatively short time, my brain has decided that of course it's time to have a fit of Oh Woes teh Career sux nobody fangrrls/boys me never gonna be (fill in blank).

And I made it worse by having a small but deadly piece of fudge on an empty stomach. Gilman, thy moniker is "Idiot."

As my therapist once said, it would be easier if I actually was manic/depressive. Instead, I maintain a normally even keel, with occasional short, tight rebounds where I know if I just sit tight my sense of humor will recover, my emotional balance will return, and I'll be fine.

As High Maintenance Dramatic Creative Types go, I'm not very dramatic at all, and pretty much self-maintaining. I feel like I failed, somehow.

*removes tongue from cheek embedment*


On the plus side, my knife arrived and it is shiny! and fits perfectly in my hand, and there is butternut squash soup and savory chicken stew filling up the freezer, and I have brand new 300+ count sheets to sleep in, and there is red wine to have with the brown rice and steak for dinner, and I wrote another 2,000+ new words I'm pleased with and did research for the short story I'm not writing yet.

And I no longer want to beweep my outcast state (although I might yet change my state with kings)


So I guess my balance is back. Sometimes it's good to be predictable.

Operation Gingerbread Cake has been deemed a success, and packed up for transport. Now to see if it actually survives until T'giving... am off to the Family Gathering, wine and food and puppy in tow.

This has been a year, like most years, of serious Ups and Downs. If I had to pick one thing to be thankful for, though, it's that I can say, with absolute honesty: It's a good life. Not every minute, not even every day. Lots of room for improvement on all fronts. But...good. And it's good because I'm making it be good, by choosing the things that work for me, trying to avoid the things that make me sad or angry, and owning those actions, being mindful of them. I'm thankful for the (hard-won) ability to do that.

How about y'all?

Exhibit opening & dinner tonight. Brunch tomorrow. BookViewCafe presentation tomorrow night. A bye on Sunday, thank the football gods. A business cocktail party on Monday, and a social one on Tuesday. And then Philcon, and the SFWA Reception, and then off to Boston the Wednesday after.

Eeeep?


Meanwhile, keeping to my promise to bring VINEART WAR #2 in under 110,000 words, the draft is at... 109,400. Go, me. Of course, no promises are made as to what it will look like once Mam'selle Editrix has her way with it...

Reminder: I'm still collecting visual evidence of Flesh and Fire in the wild!


I had a dream last night ( details here ) I make no pretense at being able to explain it, that's just where my brain was, last night.

And lo, the book is launched and I move on to other things. My daily to-do list has 12 things on it (that's the max allowed) and none of them are "ten minutes and you're done" items. Best get to't....

I wrote this several years ago, but each year when I try to compose something new, it still speaks best for me on this day, and this holiday. And so I share it once again...
--------------------------------


This is the beginning of the Days of Repentance in the Jewish tradition, starting today with Rosh Hashanna (Yom Ha-Zikkaron) and ending ten days from now with Yom Kippur.

I am mostly, as I often say, a forgetting-to-practice Jew. But there are a few traditions I hold fast to, and the High Holy Days are among them. Not from any religious compulsion, but more because they...well, they make sense.

The Days of Awe are a time to pause and reflect on the previous year, to consider the actions done by and to us, and to search and find forgiveness. In these days, we are taught, God inscribes our fate for the coming year... but that inscription can be altered by our actions within the next ten days. If we are honest with ourselves, if we seek forgiveness from those we have wronged, and forgive those who have wronged us, the judgment will be lightened, the inscription be kinder.

I do not believe in an omnipotent God with pen and gradebook. But I do believe in balance, in forgiveness, and in fresh starts. Coming in September, a time of seasonal change and the beginning again of the academic year, it always made perfect sense to me that, along with changing our closets, we could change our approaches.

Yom Ha-Zikkaron finds me, this year, in a place of peace, if not complete serenity. If you have harmed me, either by intent or omission, by act or by word, know that I do not hold a grudge. If I have harmed you, either by intent or omission, by act or word, I ask your forgiveness, and offer the knowledge that I will take pains not to do so again.


L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatem. May we all be inscribed and sealed for a good year.

Although the turnout was light for the first-ever NJ Writers Conference, the energy and enthusiasm was high, and people really got into the "Blending Genres" workshop, although I may never get the image of a vampire Nazi tooth fairy out of my mind. *shudder* Signed/sold a bunch of books, and did a reading from FLESH AND FIRE that had people coming up to get info on the release date, so yay!

[October 13th, in case y'all haven't been paying attention)

Then Gary and I fled the premises and made our merry way to Atlantic City proper, where I had atypical bad luck -- but was seated next to very cute boys in suits, so the view made up for the cards -- followed by a stroll on the boardwalk,and thence -- at 1am -- to Denny's where I had serious flashbacks to several episodes of my misspent youth. It was, however, a surprisingly clean, well-lit, friendly and people-staffed (as opposed to zombies) Denny's, with nary a Garth Brooks fan in sight (in-joke for otterdance)

This morning I grabbed breakfast and headed out for the Road Trip portion of the weekend -- wending my slow, very relaxed way back north via back roads filled with flea markets, antique fairs, and oceanfront zen, wherein I spent a few hours spent reclaiming a part of my past.

My zen, let me show you it.


And now the mind is clear, the well refilled, and I'm looking forward to a rather, erm, busy week, including having a story shredded by the crit group, doing a video interview @ S&S, and various social whirls....

EtA: cats don't know I'm going away next weekend, too. Slowly getting them ready for the Big Leave...

Definition of stupidity: expecting, after umpteen go-rounds, that someone will actually get a clue, grow up, and own their own actions, rather than spluttering excuses and justifications for their fkucups. Because they won't grow up, they won't get a clue, and they will never accept that they are the only ones responsible for their actions. Ever.

And I am Done with that.

Done.

[okay, fashionista_35 and I are, together, The Answer. You may not want to ask that question.)

Last night's pre-birthday dinner was duck breast with a cassis/onion/plum balsamic vinegar reduction and a most excellent Australian cabernet sauvignon (Penfolds Bin 707 1998, of which we could only say "wow, that's...Australian" in tones of appreciation), and no room whatsoever for dessert. Yeah, that cooking thing? I still got it.

( further notes on the wine )

Today I intended to sleep in to a decadent hour [once I had fed the cats, anyway], but the Landscape Guys had other plans, and so I was awake at (gasp!) 8am. I am scheduled for a nice beating deep tissue massage and paws-and-claws, and then STEAK! for dinner. Nom. There may or may not be curling up on the sofa with a book-I-didn't-write, as well. No work today, by Higher Decree

1. The branch of my bank I stopped at was closed (and closed off) while they filmed a marching band commercial (no, really). Annoyed, I asked one of the camera guys what people who had come to use the bank were supposed to do? Apparently, we were supposed to go over to the very nice man holding an umbrella, who would hand me into a very nice black SUV, and drive me to the next nearest branch (all of 6 blocks away, but it was raining), wait while I did my transaction, and then bring me back. And I got a lollypop. TD Bank FTW, methinks.


2. My story had its head handed to it repeatedly at the crit group tonight, in pointed but polite fashion. And I now know exactly what wasn't working, and have strong ideas on how to make it all work, which I didn't have clue one about beforehand [it's a good story, it just needed to give up on one aspect of itself and focus on the others. [aside: one of the most useful things you learn, working with a group, is how to take useful info from people who would never be caught dead reading That Sort of Story of their own accord. Because they do give useful crit... once it's filtered)

3. I was told about something that I probably wasn't supposed to know about, and it clarified for me if I wanted to continue dealing with someone on a purely professional basis, rather than professional/friend, going forward, which I had been wavering about.


And a bonus bit of advice:

If you have a workman who does the job so badly you have to come back and fix it, and then you run late not once but twice, by an hour each time, you really should not be surprised that the homeowner does not respond to your flirtation attempts. Because She is Not Impressed (although he would probably clean up reasonably well, for that value of cleanup)

Home again, home again. Many thanks to the intrepid team of Assistant Feline Keepers, who did such wonderful work I was only greeted with an hour of OMG YOU LEFT US! wailing. Usually it goes on for several hours/all evening.

So. Vacation. In a quick roundup:

22 acres of GREENERY! (plus a spring-fed, frog-filled pond). Huge house filled with books. No t.v. No cell phone coverage. Limited internet connectivity. Frogs and a gaziillion fireflies makin' whoopie in the dusk (not together). 8 hours of sleep every night. Food -- OMG the FOOD! (Although I passed on the chance to eat antelope last night in favor of a slab of Angus.) The Juilliard String Quartet performing Hayden. Antiquing. A brand new dance troupe from Taiwan with a world premiere piece @ Jacob's Pillow (and a display of Jules Feiffer's 'dance' cartoons, which was delightful). Thunderstorms! A flock of wild turkeys! Power outages! Delightful public gardens! Frogs! Shopping! Chocolate tastings! Rabbits underfoot! Wine! More fabulous food! And, of course, the usual "people in a house together tension-blowup-apology" cycle, of which there were at least two and possibly three.

And did I mention frogs?

And now I am home, and deadlines and client e-mails stare me balefully in the eye. Dare I ignore them for one more day? I dare!

( a few more photos )

Happy birthday, mizkit! I hope you found the desired ribs, even if you had to gnaw them off a pig yourself....


Meanwhile, I have survived May. I had my doubts at times, but I made it. And now we are into one of my favorite months of the year -- mainly because, once I actually hand in book 2.2 and the outline for book 2.3 and put another 10,000 words on MUSTANG and polish up a few new proposals and do the final draft of a story, and survive meeting the new writers' group, and survive a signing up in Binghamton on the 20th... I am on VACATION!

Okay, it's a week in the Berkshires with my family. It will be a week of sleeping and reading and playing with the puppy and going to hear live music and sleeping and some more playing with the puppy...

If I can survive to then. Which means getting all the above-mentioned stuff dealt with. *puts on game face, gets to it*

Random, random.

Much to my surprise, after a late, slow start, I managed about 2,100 new words yesterday. Funny, how remembering to feed the body actually helps the brain function.

This morning, despite it being the kind of Monday where even the cats are willing to sleep in, I got up, made it to the gym, stopped by the greengrocer for coffee and the week's munchables, and, wonders of wonders, remembered to upload my monthly post at BookView Cafe, wherein I Talk the Taboo -- money: specifically how I worked up the nerve, in this economy, to renovate my kitchen, and why.

And speaking of the kitchen....

( every culture has a casserole... )

This week's a crazed one, with much to do before vincam arrives mid-week. I'll be back when I can...

A busy 24 hours....

( puppies, kradical, and a long-suffering bear )


There are no photos of the dinner or the cake because we were too busy eating. and drinking. and eating some more... *falls over in food coma*

Happy Easter to my friends and readers who are observing. I hope the services are uplifting, and the baskets are overflowing...


1. Tech.
I have achieved new netbook! After going hands-on with a lot of models, and comparing price-to-tech, I decided to upgrade to the 10" HP Mini. Her name is Seshat and she is quite lovely. Still light (2.5 pounds) and portable, she also has a much larger screen (up from the 7" of Toke) and more comfortable keyboard, Windows rather than Linux so I don't have to hack the apps I wanted [I'm going for workability here, not geek cred}, a good sound system, and a built-in webcam. All for just a smidge more than I originally paid for Toke. I can't wait to see what $300 will buy consumers in a year or two...

2. Contest
Although the Midnight Cravings contest has closed, you still can enter the "plausibility" contest! and win a copy of one of the first three "Retriever" books in mass market!

3. Social
Had dinner last night at Via Emilia with friends visiting from Los Angeles, and kudos to the manager for not kicking us out (we were a group of 12 and probably sounded like 24). The six bottles of wine we ordered probably soothed his nerves quite a bit. Anyway excellent restaurant at reasonable prices, down on 21st and Park Avenue, and I highly recommend the pastas. They only take cash, though, so be prepared.

4. World Events
Although I've been too busy to do more than glance at the news, I am of an age where the mention of modern pirates brings two words to mind: Achille Lauro. Historical Figures aside, I do not like pirates. I do not find them romantic, or inspiring. I find them reprehensible and worthy of being smacked into a pike-studded wall. And I fear we will see more, not less, as the financial crisis goes on. I almost feel the urge to write about it...but every time I think about starting another short story I am reminded of the others still waiting their turn, for when I get out from under these novel deadlines.

Which leads me to 5. Writing
Unable to make the world take a time-out and straighten up, I dealt with what I can control -- the writing.
I've figured out what was broken in PACK OF LIES and am slowly rebuilding it be better, fast,er, stronger, and longer. On the drive home from Boston on Friday, I started thinking out loud about Vineart 2, much the way I had done previously on that same drive regarding Vineart 1, thinking out Major Points and letting the smaller details rise to the fore, as they often do. My mother sat in the back seat and scribbled down what seemed to be the salient points [I used to have a minicorder for this sort of thing, but it disappeared a few years ago].

Saturday morning, I sat down at my desk and started typing up sort of free-form what I had been vocalizing about the plot. Of course, as often happens, the writing of book 1 has completely changed what I planned to do in book 2 -- so I've been performing terrible genetic experiments, making a hybrid of the original outline and the revised ideas. And -- thank god -- the fire lit in me and I started to get excited about writing this book. Which is good, because that's all I'm going to be doing for six months after I finish PACK OF LIES and MUSTANG.....

Today, I am off to the Park with my outline and Puppy! to see if I can manage both productivity and exercise...

So, I had an entire post talking about the plusses and minuses of my day, nothing wildly exciting unless you're me, and then I got word that friends of mine have lost much if not all of their belongings, including the family dog, in a house fire.

And, y'know? Not much I can write about after that matters so much.

I'm just thankful the two-legged family is safe. Things can be replaced, even beloved pets pass on before us in the normal scheme of things. Peoples? Safe is good. Safe is best.

EtA: it's hit the 'offical' news outlets: http://pwbeat.publishersweekly.com/blog/2009/04/06/len-wein-housefire/